When a piece of you disappears…

Holding hands

It happens so fast you don’t even notice at first. You are on this whirlwind journey from the time those two little pink lines show up. Months of planning (and puking), anticipating what your little one will be like, who they will be as they grow into little people. And then they are here. They come into this world fiercely so as not to be ignored. You count the fingers and toes, you dawn over your little bundle of joy and then you go home and all of a sudden you are it. You are mama. You are the sun and the moon (no wonder they have day/night confusion), you are their food source & always there when they cry. Every little movement you hear, you have “mom ears” they say. The days pass slow, but time passes so fast and next thing you know your little one is weeks, months, maybe years old.

My daughter is 5 months old. I can say that I love her with every fibre of my being. I cannot imagine my life without her, and I honestly struggle to remember a time when she wasn’t apart of our family. My phone is full of photos and videos of her. She definitely monopolizes my conversations and even gets more FaceTime calls than I do. I accepted long ago that I would do whatever she needed to give her the best possible life. I just didn’t realize that meant a part of me, as a person, going missing.

I have a wonderful husband. He is my best friend, and truly is an amazing father. But after his paternity leave ended he went back to waking up to an alarm clock. He leaves for work everyday before 8. He has a coffee break or 2. A lunch break. And time to and from work just him. I don’t think he has it easy by any means, in fact I can’t imagine leaving my daughter for work already. But you see I wake to her. Multiple times a night. She decides when I wake and when I sleep. She decides when I eat and if I get to workout or not. Do I want to take a shower? Chances are I’m dancing around like a fool trying to keep her entertained in her chair without getting shampoo in my eyes. She is my tiny boss. And with that, that little piece of independence I had, is gone. She consumes my thoughts, and owns parts of my body for nourishment. She makes me feel whole, and yet she makes me feel like an important puzzle piece is missing. I’m not as whole as I once was, and yet, somehow I am?

Motherhood is confusing. Wanting to be there for it all, and yet needing a break. Wanting to be all you can be for them, and yet wanting more for yourself. Wanting to sleep through the night, and yet not being able to sleep because you’re worried about them. You give a lot up to me a mom, just make sure you take the time to find you again.

I hope one day I will. Find myself again. Feel whole again. Not wonder what happened to myself when I look in the mirror. I may not feel whole, but I do feel complete.

I repeat. Motherhood is confusing.

To all the mamas out there struggling, I see you. Keep making time for yourself. Fill your cup when you can. Take the time away, the break, do it for you. Because you are absolutely worth it.

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